Do you use your MAD to cover your SAD?

I’m going to TRY and tell you about a time when I blew it. I hope I can tell it honestly enough.

My husband and I ride to the office together more often than not.  It’s the only few minutes that we have alone. No kids, no team, no church members. Just us taking a few minutes to be …married.

The Plot Thickens

So, about a week ago, we were both getting ready in the bathroom.  I could tell he was finishing before I was, so I felt pressured to hurry up.  I just KNEW the question was coming, “How long is it going to be?” (Ever heard that question ladies?) So, of course, I gave the standard answer. “Five minutes.”  (Ever heard THAT answer guys?)

I don’t even have a clock in there!  

So imagine my surprise when I finally came out of the bedroom (in what SEEMED like five minutes later) and ran down the hall to the garage, just in time to catch a glimpse of tires leaving beyond a closing garage door.

And we were going to the SAME meeting!!!!

I was wounded!

I IMMEDIATELY copped an attitude!  

I’m not exactly sure what I said, but I AM aware of the fact that I was saying it OUTLOUD, even though I was in my car alone. I guarantee, it was unflattering to him, at best. Actually, I’m pretty glad there isn’t a hidden microphone in our car …and if there is – Baby… I apologize!

I FLEW, not drove, to catch up with him. Tripping all over myself, I made SURE that I walked into that building BEFORE he did.  With an attitude of course! But not TOO much tude, that it would blow my cover.

I kept a chip on my shoulder for most of the day, but only when HE was around. Because HE was the rude individual who had so callously just left, hurt my feelings and wounded me!

Wounded ME?  Seriously? Yes!

Get a Grip!

On my drive home (which was alone, THANK GOD) I FINALLY got a grip! My feelings were SO hurt that he would leave the house without taking me or AT LEAST saying goodbye.  

So in order to deal with the hurt, I had turned my SAD to MAD. I honestly wasn’t mad when I saw the garage door close… I was CRUSHED! 

It wasn’t even his fault. I had been left, for no reason, SO many times by my EX-husband, that waves of unassociated hurt came flooding back in that moment.

I couldn’t cry, in good conscious. So I got MAD!!!

Hurt people… hurt other people.

Have you ever covered YOUR sad with mad?

When a co-worker said something true, but too close to home to feel good?

Maybe you attempted something and didn’t succeed, and then someone brought it up?

Or worse, when we failed at something (at work, with a child, in a relationship, in a marriage) and someone tried to HELP us so we lashed out at them?

Or the worst YET, if someone just headed to work to be at a meeting ON TIME. If it hadn’t been at the church, where we’re supposed to be leaders, I would probably have explained his error to him in an ANIMATED way!!!

Do you know what he did?

When we got home that night, I walked up to him and told him about that morning and how MAD I was, and how STUPID it seemed, and how I was really just HURT for a lot of dumb reasons.

Because I was honest with him about my pain, and I didn’t try to cover it up with anger or make it his fault… he hugged me and told me HE was sorry. HE was sorry. Wow!!!

I admitted to him how I’d covered my SAD with MAD all day. I told him I was totally in the wrong and apologized if he had felt any attitude from me at all.

And then we had a GREAT night! I (me, nobody else!) had RUINED my whole day, but thankfully, I didn’t open my big mouth and ruin HIS! (For NO reason but to cover my sad.)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Gal. 5:22 (NKJV)

None of which, I used until the end of the day!


Have you ever used the emotion of mad, anger, or aggravation to cover your TRUE feeling of sadness, insecurity or failure?

You are not alone. We all do it.  

How have you ever ‘caught yourself in the act’?  Or stopped it?  Or short circuited it?

Thank goodness, “All things work together for good, to those who love God.” Rom 8:28 (NKJV)

Share, so we can ALL be ok with the fact that we mess up and fail as humans, but endeavor to be better TOGETHER 🙂

12 Responses

  1. Christine

    My “sadness” comes out as “madness” alot! My feelings are hurt or I feel disrespected, instead of letting my family know I’m hurt, I let them see frustration/a little anger.
    I’m the Mom, I’m the Granny; I should always be happy, I should always let the young ones have fun, do what they want, how they want, when they want. Well this hurts my feelings, because there is a lot I do before the family comes over, there’s a lot of preparation so I can sit and visit, play games, enjoy the meal WITH the family. By the end of the weekend, there is no food left in the house (food that should be there for a week), trash, dirty dishes, dirty bed linen, dirty clothes, dirt…the house is destroyed; I want to cry, sometimes I do. If/when I say anything, Dad/Papa says “who cares what the house looks like?” Well I care and the hurt just grows because I feel like no one cares about my feelings. So the anger and frustration builds.
    I Love my family; but sometimes my family…
    Pastor Nicole, I truly enjoy your posts. They really get deep into my brain, soul and heart. They make me think, understand, cry, laugh and then move on.
    Thanks Pastor Nicole for all you do!

    1. Christine,

      I think most any woman can relate to what you are saying here. Especially women who speak the Love Language of Acts of Service. I do too!

      We think that serving them is showing them love and would love someone to help us by serving us (helping clean up, take out the trash, sweep a floor, not leave their dirty clothes on the floor – anything!). But they don’t understand that this is how we see their love.

      They speak another love language – maybe words of affirmation (we love you granny) or physical touch (hugs and kisses when they are there) or quality time (granny, sit down and read just me a book).

      Learning the Love Languages and how we speak and feel love and how others speak and feel love was a great eye opener for me. There is a book called ‘The Five Love Languages’ that I highly recommend. Or if you are more of an audio or video learner, I think our church has a copy of when I taught on it that we can send to you.

      Your heart is so GREAT!!! Your family is blessed to have such a caring mom and granny!

  2. Janet

    It’s so strange when I read or listen to you or your husband, how it feels like your speaking just to me, you probably hear that alot, recently found out my boyfriend has lied several times to me and instead of going at it by telling him how it hurt me, I ignored him and was mean, I am not a good communicator whatsoever. I am so hurt by this, I wake up sick to my stomach and find myself questioning everything he says or does although we have talked it out several times and decided to leave it in the past, I act like nothing is wrong but inside I’m so sad and mad at the same time. Please say a prayer for me so I can heal this hurt. If you need help at the church I recently moved in with my boyfriend in St. Charles, I work some weekends but let me know, I feel so much better when I attend your services. Thanks for taking the time to read. I’ve never even read your blog before, I just stumbled upon it today. Thanks again, Janet

    1. Janet

      Yes you read it right, I moved in with him a month ago, 8 yr old daughter and all only to find out he had lied to me about other women, not sleeping together just meeting for drinks or motorcycle rides, when he knows I’m not a jealous person, he said it happened months ago before we really commited, I just hope I can learn to trust him again.

    2. Janet,

      I am so sorry that your were hurt. I will pray that your heart heals completely and quickly. That you will have the ability to forgive and that God will speak direction to your heart on what you should do now. He will! With God, you can come out on the other side of the strong!

  3. Sharon

    Pastor Nicole,
    Thank you so much for keeping it real!!!!!!!
    I love reading what you write, and reflecting on
    What you say. I love my Faith Church family !!!!!!

    Sincerely, Sharon

  4. I am so guilty of covering my sad with mad. I know that is what is happening and sometimes I just cannot get control of myself. I have been working very hard on this personal issue for the past year. Kind of crazy but it took me 51 years to figure out that is what I do. I wish I was as controlled as you were. It is also reassuring that you also struggle with these flesh issues. I have faith that there is hope for me also. It is amazing Janet, I always think they are both speaking to me. I agree with Christine, Thank-you Pastor Nichole & Pastor Dave, your honesty and insight into everyday life issues always touch me

    1. Gwen – Struggle with these issues – YEAH!!! We are all flesh from the bottoms of our feet to the tops of our heads. The reassuring thing is that in the bible Paul says that what he wants to do he doesn’t, and what he doesn’t want to do, he does! I get that!!!!! Girl, the fact that you struggle – just makes you normal 🙂

      Thanks for being honest with the rest of us!

  5. Jennifer

    I turn my sad into mad a lot also. I realized as I was reading your blog that several of the things that I get mad about quite a bit stem from past hurts that I thought I had left in the past. After being in abusive relationships, I have a tendency to shut down when I feel hurt or disrespected. Then when I am confronted about my behavior, I start yelling and want to put blame on the other person for not leaving me alone so I can have a pity party instead of trying to resolve the conflict rationally. Your story helped to see that those hurt feelings surface in different ways and that I just need to think about the real reason I have these sad feelings instead of getting mad. Thank you Pastor Nicole again for another message when I needed it most. I sometimes think that you and Pastor David have a microphone in my house with the timing of your messages.

  6. Michelle

    I used to do this ALL the time. (Especially in my active addiction) All my feelings turned to MAD. Because if it didn’t make me happy, it was all YOUR fault…never mine, right? 😉
    In recovery, I have learned to do what you did Nicole. Express to the person, “how” I’m feeling (angry, upset, hurt, & even happy now) when something happens, what caused it. Being human, we all make mistakes, no ones perfect. It’s really just a matter of retraining my brain. As soon as I can recogonize it, I address it. What’s even more amazing…is I am instilling this in my young daughters. Who are 9 & 6. They fight over silly stuff, and one ends up with her feelings hurt. So I make them sit down and talk to each other. Talk about they’re feelings, what caused them to feel this way (even if one is in tears) b/c the other needs to see that emotion. In the end, we all end up laughing, or atleast everyone is smiling. And I feel I am doing my best as a Mom when I can turn tears to laughter and still get my point across. I know my exhusband doesn’t do this, so I know I have to do it every chance the opportunity arises. It seems like when I was young, if I was mad or sad, I just went to my room and didn’t talk about it…which caused alot of problems in my teens for me. I don’t want my girls to think it’s ok to bottle up their emotions….all they’re doing is creating a ticking time bomb that I dont know when it’ll errupt.
    I just want to say Thank You to this Church, and Pastor Nicole & David. You have welcomed me and recharged my spiritual battery that has been dead for some time…I actually look forward to coming to Church now & so do my girls. See you all Saturday, I’ll be getting baptized with my Mother & my girls will be there to watch.
    Love you all!

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