I’m pleased and privileged to welcome My great friend, pastor’s wife, church leader and blogger Kerri Weems to the blog today, along with her husband, Stovall Weems, are senior pastors of Celebration Church, a dynamic and thriving church in Jacksonville, FL.
Kerri and Stovall have three children, Kaylan, Stovie, and Annabelle.
“Lean too much on the approval of people, and it becomes a bed of thorns.” – Tehyi Hsieh
One of the hardest things that pastor’s wives face is dealing with what feels like a constant onslaught of criticism.
At times, it can seem like we are constantly navigating a minefield of unmet expectations when it comes to church, our spouse, our children, our home, how we dress, how we spend our money…. yada, yada, yada.
I remember when our church was young and in the planting phase, criticism seemed to come up every week about one aspect of church or another.
We were working so hard just trying to make a service happen in a stinky, worn down middle school gym (hello middle school boys P.E. Smell!) that it felt like a blow to the chest when someone would criticize the music or the message. Or the nursery. Or for having small groups instead of Sunday School. Or for not having the “right” small groups. Sometimes I wanted to just shout out:
“DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT YOU WANT THIS CHURCH TO BE BETTER THAN I WANT IT TO BE??? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WORK IT TAKES TO MAKE A GYM FEEL LIKE CHURCH???? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY HOURS A DAY I SPEND OBSESSING OVER SMALL GROUPS???”
(Tip of the day: shouting such things is not an effective way to deal with criticism. I’m only empathizing here, people. Only empathizing.)
Dealing with criticism can wear you down emotionally.
It can sabotage your self-confidence in many areas, including your marriage, your calling, your parenting and your own appearance! I remember one particular Sunday when Stovie was only six months old, I was exiting the church when a sweet lady from our congregation stopped and hugged me.
As we parted ways she said, “By the way, you are really looking great! I don’t know how you took that baby weight off so fast!” I thanked her and rounded the corner feeling pretty good about myself…until I met the next person waiting to talk to me.
It was another dear lady whom I still love to this day. She said, “Kerri, are you ok? My husband and I were just saying how you look really tired today and maybe have put on a little weight.”
That, my friend, is a true story. I share it with you to illustrate that criticism often comes from a highly subjective place. In the course of literally 30 seconds, I went from looking great to looking fatigued and overweight.
NOTHING about ME had changed at all. The only thing that changed was who was talking to me. That day was a real turning point for me in how I deal with criticism. I’m happy to say that other people’s opinions don’t have the hold on me that they used to have.
I believe that learning to deal with criticism in a healthy way is a battle that every pastor’s wife must win to reach her highest potential in leadership.
Join the Conversation
How do you deal with criticism? Share your stories below
22 comments
well usually I get defensive, verbal and delete the person from my life, but I am working on this and knowing my joy, acceptance, approval is through Christ and that’s all that matters.
Good topic
Kimberly – Proud of you!!!
What a great illustration. Most women I know struggle with combatting criticism. We should always take these thoughts captive and examine whether the points have any validity and if not, dismiss them and pray for the poor soul who felt the need to discourage us! James has a lot to say about taming the tongue…a lesson we can all use. God bless you, Kerry, your family, and your ministry! Love y’all!
Pam –
Why do you think that women have such a tendency to criticize? We really need to hold each other up!
I just want to say thank you for sharing -I am learning how to deal with this:)
Thanks for sharing Cathy!
I’ve always said, “other people’s opinion of me is none of my business”. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Kim – Great minds think alike!!!!
been a problem all my life and has caused me to not believe in my self.
Faye – Well, WE believe in you!!!!!
I have found out that criticism actually helps me grow. Especially when its constuctive criticism. I use to be such a people pleaser and allowed it to offend me in so many ways. As I have grown in my Christian walk and closer to God I have found out that God created me and I am God creation. I have more self esteem and confidence in my self. Thanks for the topic….
Kelley
Kelley – Even though the constructive criticism helps you grow, you do still find that it stings a little when you hear it? If so, what do you do to get over the sting?
Hi ladies, Thank you for all the comments. I am so happy you enjoyed the post.
xx Kerri
Love you Kerri!! Great Job!!
I really appreciate all your comments!!
Should not take as true all that people say about you, because that affects your identity and destiny.
You have to be sure of who you are, a child of God, and should live as one.
Fabulous point Gaby! It’s so hard to do!!! Any points for us all on how to let the bad comments roll off?
Should not take as true all that people say about you, because that affects your identity and destiny.
You have to be sure of who you are, a child of God, and should live as one.
I lost a job because of this very issue. People who knew me realized I had taken on an untenable situation and was doing well with it. Others didn’t feel progress happened fast enough. I too would have positive-negative criticism in a matter of minutes. At those times, I took the praise in stride and took the criticism equally in stride. When the end came, I was very at peace. I knew I had done my best and not compromised my integrity nor placed a broken agency further in harms way. Keep God first and the rest will fall into place.
Debbie – Trusting God is the only way to go! He knows all and directs our path!
Criticism to me is the opportunity for growth. I learned through a scouting course that feedback (which is often criticism) is a gift and how we receive that gift makes all the difference in the world. When others give criticism I picture it as a gift, I open it up, I consider what is inside, I close it back up, I pray on it and then act up on the gift given. Often a thank you to the person for the gift. More times than not even when I don’t want to admit it that person loved me enough to tell me and share with me and I have to respect them enough to consider it and make the appropriate changes. Is it easy…NO!!! I am working on it every day.
I struggle with this often, I find that people compare my life to theirs and minimize my problems as If I bare no struggles in comparison and often it upsets me. I am still learning to and trying to handle this. My only solution so far is to pray and let God handle it. Its not for them to judge me and its not for me to worry about how they view me, I am doing and working toward Gods’ plan for my life.